25/07/21  :  obsession

at my core, i think i am someone who feels obsession deeply. despite a thing i would seldom feel, i have had strong senses of love towards a subject, or a person. i have a friend who i miss dearly. we are not able to talk anymore. i do not know where they are, but i wish that they are in a good place, filled with happiness. love is such a perplexing emotion for me, something i cannot describe with words. i am so focused monitering my every move around someone, sometimes isolating myself from them. question why someone would glance at me, or stop to have a conversation with me. reciprocation of feelings is something i desire, yet something i fear. i am often the ender of my friendships, because i cannot seem to love like a normal person. i guess its something inner, that makes me feel that i cannot be loved, a bold statement that my mind wants to believe, though reality could disprove it. i find love selfish when i experience it, like something i indulge in just so i do not have to feel empty. sometimes, i want to believe it that someone would enjoy talking to me. sadness feels better than emptiness honestly. justifys it i guess. i really cant love without exploiting. i am also someone who strives greatly for perfectionism, which leads me down to compulsive, cycles of trying to " fix " myself. i tend to hyperfocus on small details, and numbers. i really badly want to feel competent and self reliant, but when i try to sweep up my messes, i end up in the same place over and over again.

not feeling very well, sorry for the third depressing blog. i'll try my best

25/05/13  :  the fear of closeness

i've noticed that throughout my life, i have never been able to be truly close to someone. i fear it really, yet i've craved it. the idea of being in a vulnerable position; having someone else who knows your thoughts, and knows your mind terrified me. throughout my life, i have lied compulsively, almost as if they were on instinct. the idea of someone seeing the "real" me, haunts me. though i do not understand what that version of myself is. whenever i felt too close to someone, i always felt that i needed to push them away. and i feel terrible afterwards. i've constantly searched for human connection, though knowing that i may never truly be able to make a friend. perhaps it was the nice feeling i would get that i was chasing after. but it harms everyone, doesn't it? i'm selfish after all .. trying to chase after some silly desires without considering others. i tried to isolate myself many times, removing parts of myself, until i am a mere observer - incapable of having any impact. i always find myself returning to my ways. i really dont understand myself.

25/05/07  :  disconnected

my mental health has gotten worse again. trying to stay alive is difficult honestly, when you have nothing nice to look forward to. i promised myself that i would never reach this state again. that i would never sink this low again. i feel disconnected from the world and myself, as if i'm something that's invisible, something that doesn't belong on this earth. talking is hard. making friends is hard. but who am i to blame really, my selfish self ? i really find my self pity disgusting. i don't feel like a human. my body feels as if it wasn't my own. my needs, my desires, and what i feel, are a mystery to me. i am human ? these are simple human things to understand. my feelings resemble violent scribbles, something nonsensical, without patterns, or logic. i hate how they consume me. my memories and feelings are never erased, only overwritten. nothing will ever be the same. i find it funny how i always say i want to be better, but i'm always stuck in the same place again and again.

25/01/08  :  the earth orbits even without us

sorry for being inactive for so long. ive kind of been burnt out the past month or so, thats why i wasnt able to update my site. i feel sort of swallowed by the world, and my emotions. the earth is constantly moving and rotating, i struggle to keep up -- and live to any potential i had. im really just existing. i feel a lot, yet this emptiness at the same time. i dont know who would stumble upon this honestly, i apologize for venting.

mm, i dont have much to say.