25/05/13 : the fear of closeness
trigger warning: mental health
i've noticed that throughout my life, i have never been able to be truly close to someone. i fear it really, yet i've craved it. the idea of being in a vulnerable position; having someone else who knows your thoughts, and knows your mind terrified me. throughout my life, i have lied compulsively, almost as if they were on instinct. the idea of someone seeing the "real" me, haunts me. though i do not understand what that version of myself is. whenever i felt too close to someone, i always felt that i needed to push them away. and i feel terrible afterwards. i've constantly searched for human connection, though knowing that i may never truly be able to make a friend. perhaps it was the nice feeling i would get that i was chasing after. but it harms everyone, doesn't it? i'm selfish after all .. trying to chase after some silly desires without considering others. i tried to isolate myself many times, removing parts of myself, until i am a mere observer - incapable of having any impact. i always find myself returning to my ways. i really dont understand myself.
25/05/07 : disconnected
trigger warning: darker topics (dissociation), mental health
my mental health has gotten worse again. trying to stay alive is difficult honestly, when you have nothing nice to look forward to. i promised myself that i would never reach this state again. that i would never sink this low again. i feel disconnected from the world and myself, as if i'm something that's invisible, something that doesn't belong on this earth. talking is hard. making friends is hard. but who am i to blame really, my selfish self ? i really find my self pity disgusting. i don't feel like a human. my body feels as if it wasn't my own. my needs, my desires, and what i feel, are a mystery to me. i am human ? these are simple human things to understand. my feelings resemble violent scribbles, something nonsensical, without patterns, or logic. i hate how they consume me. my memories and feelings are never erased, only overwritten. nothing will ever be the same. i find it funny how i always say i want to be better, but i'm always stuck in the same place again and again.
25/04/15 : my hyperfixation on the promised neverland ! ! pt. 2
the long awaited part two by nobody !! anyways, i was able to get volumes 15, 16, 17, and 19 from the library !! (yippee)
even though i already knew what was going to happen by reading the fandom wiki, it felt really nice reading a physical copy of the books, as i get to see many details i have missed. this is not gonna be a super long or detailed blog post haha, i just feel really happy :3
25/03/31 : my hyperfixation on the promised neverland ! !
i finally finished the promised neverland manga ! ( well , i wish haha , still on volume 13 ) honestly, i wanted to write this entry after I have finished the series, but i really wanted to now ^_^ ''
i'll try to keep this as spoiler-free as possible. so, the promised neverland is an anime and manga series, revolving around around children living in the grace field orphanage. three children; emma, norman, and ray found out the secret of the place, and plan for everyone to escape
the promised neverland consists of 24 episodes distributed across two seasons in the anime, and 20 volumes of manga. I really enjoyed the series really . . . the first season was really nice in my opinion. a lot of the fandom didn't like the second season however, but honestly, I think it wasn't really that bad (for the manga). it's honestly just like taking the story in a different direction, and i would describe it as thought provoking, in a good way
my favourite characters of the series would probably be norman, and yugo. i feel like they are really well written, well developed, and made the story engaging. + ray is just like me fr . . .
my review (I might be just a little biased . . . ):
left: norman , middle: ray , right: emma
25/03/21 : futures
oftentimes , i find myself lost , almost melting into a collage of future scenerios i imagine in my head. i named my thoughts my subreality - infinitely vast , yet small space inside of my head. one of my biggest flaws ( i think ) is that i rarely focus on the present moment , but im always seemingly looking for an escape to a place i do not even know.
in this fast paced , " socially interactive " society - i really often feel out of place , living in a world with so much restrictions. sometimes , i just lie down , and dream of pursuing some sort of unrealistic job , or hobby . . that i would probably never have the opportunity to really involve myself in this lifetime. perhaps a philosopher , or a detective , or maybe even just a freelance artist. in reality , i just want to live in a tiny town , inhabited by few people , few interactions . . to be free of perception , and judgement. im not the best at explaining really , but i wonder if there is someone out there who feels similarly
25/02/29 : fictionkin
this was actually a few weeks ago, when i discovered that i identify as fictionkin. i dont think the word "fictionkin" is one used often in everyday vocabulary, so i suppose i can explain it a bit. so, a fictionkin is someone who identifies as / feels a strong connection to a fictional character, entity, place, etc. the person could also view the character as someone they were in a past life, alternate universe -- so it can be on a spiritual or mental level. this identity however is involuntary, and on a non-physical level. fictionkin falls under the umbrella term of "otherkin," which means you identify with / as something other than human.
this was sort of a difficult realization for me, yet it also gave me relief, and helped me understand myself better. it made me happy to know that there was a group, a community of others out there like me, and that i was not alone. and for anyone who was curious, i kin with lain iwakura from "serial experiments lain"!
i believe this was all i like to say, have a good day / night to anybody who reads this
25/01/08 : the earth orbits even without us
sorry for being inactive for so long. ive kind of been burnt out the past month or so, thats why i wasnt able to update my site. i feel sort of swallowed by the world, and my emotions. the earth is constantly moving and rotating, i struggle to keep up -- and live to any potential i had. im really just existing. i feel a lot, yet this emptiness at the same time. i dont know who would stumble upon this honestly, i apologize for venting.
mm, i dont have much to say.
24/12/04 : just life i guess
a diary entry for the first time in like 3 months ! dont worry guys im still alive lol
recently, balancing a lot of changes and a rather busy schedule was kind of difficult for me. the reason i couldnt write for a long time was because i felt burnt out and not really motivated, and yeah T w T
soo, for interesting events in my life, i guess i've gotten into reading more ! i found some more manga that i liked. i started on fma, and hunterxhunter. as well, i tried to work on my health and taking care of myself more, so i suppose theres that.
thank you for reading, i hope you have a nice day/night !
24/09/28 : i was sick
i am back ! some days ago, i was not feeling well, likely due to a sickness. it's around the time of flu season, so i guess thats probably why. i stayed home, and made some art while so.
i think i feel better today, so im gonna try to be productive, and finish my schoolwork and update the website again. i might start to do the layout for the art page, so i can hopefully put some things up there soon.
anyways, that's all for now. i hope you have a great day/night, to whoever reads this !
24/09/06 : beginnings
the first day of school was a few days ago ! i think it went okay. i didnt really talk much with people, the teachers were nice though. i got lost a few times, as expected, but i like my school. there was some homework, so i hadnt had time to write an entry qwq, this was kind of low effort.
24/09/01 : packing for school
school is starting soon for me, and today i decided to pack my backpack in preperation for the new school year. i organized my supplies in a different way than i did last year ... i think it will help with finding things.
for this school year, i hope i will make some new friends (i really need to work on my social skills), and as well, i will try to study hard to get my grades back up again.
i am going to a new one this year, so i hope i dont have a hard time finding the places i need to go to T^T ..
i notice some leaves are falling too. autumn will start soon too. it is one of my favorite seasons, so that's one thing to look forward to.
and, i think this concludes all i wanted to write now. maybe i will write another entry when school starts.
