25/05/13  :  the fear of closeness
trigger warning: mental health

i've noticed that throughout my life, i have never been able to be truly close to someone. i fear it really, yet i've craved it. the idea of being in a vulnerable position; having someone else who knows your thoughts, and knows your mind terrified me. throughout my life, i have lied compulsively, almost as if they were on instinct. the idea of someone seeing the "real" me, haunts me. though i do not understand what that version of myself is. whenever i felt too close to someone, i always felt that i needed to push them away. and i feel terrible afterwards. i've constantly searched for human connection, though knowing that i may never truly be able to make a friend. perhaps it was the nice feeling i would get that i was chasing after. but it harms everyone, doesn't it? i'm selfish after all .. trying to chase after some silly desires without considering others. i tried to isolate myself many times, removing parts of myself, until i am a mere observer - incapable of having any impact. i always find myself returning to my ways. i really dont understand myself.

25/05/07  :  disconnected
trigger warning: darker topics (dissociation), mental health

my mental health has gotten worse again. trying to stay alive is difficult honestly, when you have nothing nice to look forward to. i promised myself that i would never reach this state again. that i would never sink this low again. i feel disconnected from the world and myself, as if i'm something that's invisible, something that doesn't belong on this earth. talking is hard. making friends is hard. but who am i to blame really, my selfish self ? i really find my self pity disgusting. i don't feel like a human. my body feels as if it wasn't my own. my needs, my desires, and what i feel, are a mystery to me. i am human ? these are simple human things to understand. my feelings resemble violent scribbles, something nonsensical, without patterns, or logic. i hate how they consume me. my memories and feelings are never erased, only overwritten. nothing will ever be the same. i find it funny how i always say i want to be better, but i'm always stuck in the same place again and again.

25/03/21  :  futures

oftentimes , i find myself lost , almost melting into a collage of future scenerios i imagine in my head. i named my thoughts my subreality - infinitely vast , yet small space inside of my head. one of my biggest flaws ( i think ) is that i rarely focus on the present moment , but im always seemingly looking for an escape to a place i do not even know.

in this fast paced , " socially interactive " society - i really often feel out of place , living in a world with so much restrictions. sometimes , i just lie down , and dream of pursuing some sort of unrealistic job , or hobby . . that i would probably never have the opportunity to really involve myself in this lifetime. perhaps a philosopher , or a detective , or maybe even just a freelance artist. in reality , i just want to live in a tiny town , inhabited by few people , few interactions . . to be free of perception , and judgement. im not the best at explaining really , but i wonder if there is someone out there who feels similarly

25/01/08  :  the earth orbits even without us

sorry for being inactive for so long. ive kind of been burnt out the past month or so, thats why i wasnt able to update my site. i feel sort of swallowed by the world, and my emotions. the earth is constantly moving and rotating, i struggle to keep up -- and live to any potential i had. im really just existing. i feel a lot, yet this emptiness at the same time. i dont know who would stumble upon this honestly, i apologize for venting.

mm, i dont have much to say.