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25/11/17 20:57
identity

everyone around me seems to be preoccupied with their own goals, or possess a sense of identity and values they live by.  in contrast, i lack egoism.  i noticed that i rarely acted on self interest.  there's this twisted identity buried inside of me that indulges in and glorifies the idea of posing as a savior, sacrificing oneself in the process for another person close to me.  i've always believed that it was heroic to live for another person, using them as my motivation to do anything.  perhaps, this was the reason for my burnout; as fixating on pleasing and exploiting my attention and love for others is ultimately unsustainable.  for a long time as a child, it terrified me to be left alone, or become excluded. so i did all i could do fit in; by studying and mirror the people around me.  it didn't help much, because i was probably percieved as robotic or odd nontheless.  i've spent the last few years of my life (regrettably), isolating myself - detaching from my physical desires, and disconnecting from other people and my emotions.  this year, it seems that the weight of everything seemed to crash over me, at last. it has been a very confusing period of time for me - to rediscover my sense of identity all over again.  i've been resting more though, and i have some nice friends with me now.  i think i'm recovering; just a little at a time.  i know i cannot change the past, but i'll try my best for the future.

25/10/03 20:26
losses

i feel sick. I also feel tired mentally, even though i’ve basically done like nothing for the past week. i could barely concentrate on my homework without headaches, and basic tasks like brushing my teeth feel exhausting to me, though they shouldn’t be. i feel like i've fallen down to the same place i thought i've broken free from, two years ago. my mental health is getting worse again. sorry if this entry doesn't really make sense, i tried my best to read over it.

i used to be described as "talented", "smart", or "gifted" by peers and adults. i've no longer felt like these adjectives applied to me, and the child i used to be feels like a stranger to me. when i was young, i used to have interconnected dreams that gave me a sense of understanding about myself. when i was young, i thought of them as past lives. they reflected my subconscious and purest form - when it came to my decisions and instincts. my "self" free from much external influence. in my dreams, my natural instinct to danger would always be "flight", but as i grew up, i've consciously rewired my brain to choose "fight" - to appear strong for others. i was seldom judgmental, rarely categorizing things as good or bad. i also had a habit to cling onto hope and forgive whenever i could, perhaps it was a survival instinct. my dreams started when i was around three, and i have stored them in my head ever since. when i received them, i felt strongly - that i would become an artist and an archivist. that was what my purpose would be. in the past, was told that my memory was one of my greatest strengths, and it was. but, i've lost the ability to dream, and i've lost my "self" I believed i had. my memory is fuzzy, and now it’s almost impossible to think without spacing out. i was lost to outside influence.

when i started school, i've always achieved a’s. i unfortunately fell victim to masking, and perfection-seeking. in a way, my family also shaped the perception that i had. my mom said she loved me, but her love was only similar to a sense of duty - that one must love their child. she loved me for my grades, my awards, but not the person i am. she barely knows me, honestly. i didn't have much friends that stayed with me, and i placed a lot of pressure into pleasing others. i use my friends as a reason to keep going. pathetic, i know. even though i try to do more things for myself, ultimately, i live for others, and that is one of my greatest flaws.

25/09/03
listening to : good - alex g
paper

it's the second day of school today. i wanted to create a small series for myself, where i write an entry a day ( aead ) for the first week of two for school. i think that moments no matter how small should be remembered, and reflected upon. one's perception is original, and it's powerful. my memory is getting a lot worse ( i guess that comes with being mentally unwell or something ) and i have been feeling spaced out more often, where i lose my train of thought. that kind of leads me to ramble often or not make sense at times. sorry if that makes some of my entries difficult to read, i try my best to read over these. today felt especially long, i dont know why. i felt a sense of melancholy hanging over me, but i'm not sure why. i think i'm supposed to be happy, i'm in a good class, i'm with nice teachers, and i'm with some of my friends. speaking is still really hard especially in person, and i think i spoke less today than yesterday. aargh. i wish i can talk to people more easily. i guess it has been here for a long time, and i don't think i would feel truly happy again, like before - like how once a paper is crumbled it won't go back to the way it was again, fully even if it is unfolded. trauma does things to you i guess. i got a bit of homework today, but i dont feel motivated much. i had been writing oc lore for the past hour, it makes me happy but i can't do that forever. it's okay, i will try to finish it later tonight.

25/09/02
listening to : forever - alex g
growth

the past few days leading up to today, i made little trinkets for my bag, binder, and chromebook. i guess i didn't really spend much time packing compared to the time it took, maybe it might not have been the greatest usage of time .. but i now have stickers of a bunch of my favourite characters and one of my oc. sweet. it was my first time doing this really, in my family i am not able to dress how i really want to, or buy accessories for myself. so, everything was made by me. i think it makes me appreciate the trinkets more, because i spent time creating them. i've also gotten into blue lock recently, and i really like it. another thing i guess, is that for the past few days, i've found that i am feeling anxious more often. i guess i can describe it like waves of dread and fear that wash over me ever so often, especially at night, it's harder to sleep. nightime doesn't have much interruptions for me, a time where i would resort to contemplation, inevitably. i have made more friends, but i also feel scared of losing them. i find myself scripting multiple full conversations in my head, and thinking back on the smallest of moments, playing them out in my head dissecting everything. i think that makes me weird ..

today's the first day of school. about the actual day, it was okay i think. i had my usual breakfast, and came to school. when i came to my school campus, most of my friends weren't in my class, but there were familiar people. class lists were already sent out, so it wasn't unexpected. i waved to some people i knew. it felt easier than talking honestly. the classes felt quick, filled with introductions, and such, since it was the first day. my classmates and my teachers seem nice. i guess i didn't really speak much. it's been hard for me, to say what i want without fear and be deemed a fun person by others - without being forgotten again. talking has always been difficult to me. but i'll work on it, and try my best to get along with others. it's only the first day, and i'll try to do my best in the future. i want to believe that growth is not linear

25/08/23
a week before school

i think the very first entry i have wrote was about the start of school, and here i am again, a year later. school is starting soon for me, in like a week. as i write, i think about my summer. honestly, i dont think it was the most eventful. i did make more friends, yippee . . ! most are from online, since i suck at talking to people in real life, and i guess i coded, read, drew, and spent way too many hours on forsaken . . in short most of it consisted of resting really, from the previous school year. i have a tendency to by hyperfocused on numbers, and scores. last year, i wanted to focus on academics, because a year ago from then, my grades dropped to basically an alltime low - because it was also the time when i was at my lowest mentally. i guess it was like an obsession to get good scores, because i ended up pushing away many people from my life, and i abandoned many things that i wanted to do. i spoke less, and felt that it was wrong to feel attached or grow emotional over anything. it was foolish and irrational, now that i think about it in the present. next year, i want to try to be myself without as much restraints, and learn for the sake of so instead of focusing on grades so much. the weather is getting cooler, and the sky is getting more cloudy. maybe it will rain soon. autumn is coming again. i suppose my next entry might either be about me packing stuff, or about the start of school. i kind of feel like making one of those projects where you write an entry every day, or something like that.

25/07/21
trigger warning: mental health topics
obsession

at my core, i think i am someone who feels obsession deeply. despite a thing i would seldom feel, i have had strong senses of love towards a subject, or a person. i have a friend who i miss dearly. we are not able to talk anymore. i do not know where they are, but i wish that they are in a good place, filled with happiness. love is such a perplexing emotion for me, something i cannot describe with words. i am so focused monitering my every move around someone, sometimes isolating myself from them. question why someone would glance at me, or stop to have a conversation with me. reciprocation of feelings is something i desire, yet something i fear. i am often the ender of my friendships, because i cannot seem to love like a normal person. i guess its something inner, that makes me feel that i cannot be loved, a bold statement that my mind wants to believe, though reality could disprove it. i find love selfish when i experience it, like something i indulge in just so i do not have to feel empty. sometimes, i want to believe it that someone would enjoy talking to me. sadness feels better than emptiness honestly. justifys it i guess. i really cant love without exploiting. i am also someone who strives greatly for perfectionism, which leads me down to compulsive, cycles of trying to " fix " myself. i tend to hyperfocus on small details, and numbers. i really badly want to feel competent and self reliant, but when i try to sweep up my messes, i end up in the same place over and over again.

not feeling very well, sorry for the third depressing blog. i'll try my best

25/05/13
trigger warning: mental health topics
the fear of closeness

i've noticed that throughout my life, i have never been able to be truly close to someone. i fear it really, yet i've craved it. the idea of being in a vulnerable position; having someone else who knows your thoughts, and knows your mind terrified me. throughout my life, i have lied compulsively, almost as if they were on instinct. the idea of someone seeing the "real" me, haunts me. though i do not understand what that version of myself is. whenever i felt too close to someone, i always felt that i needed to push them away. and i feel terrible afterwards. i've constantly searched for human connection, though knowing that i may never truly be able to make a friend. perhaps it was the nice feeling i would get that i was chasing after. but it harms everyone, doesn't it? i'm selfish after all .. trying to chase after some silly desires without considering others. i tried to isolate myself many times, removing parts of myself, until i am a mere observer - incapable of having any impact. i always find myself returning to my ways. i really dont understand myself.

25/05/07
trigger warning: mental health topics, dissociation
disconnected

my mental health has gotten worse again. trying to stay alive is difficult honestly, when you have nothing nice to look forward to. i promised myself that i would never reach this state again. that i would never sink this low again. i feel disconnected from the world and myself, as if i'm something that's invisible, something that doesn't belong on this earth. talking is hard. making friends is hard. but who am i to blame really, my selfish self ? i really find my self pity disgusting. i don't feel like a human. my body feels as if it wasn't my own. my needs, my desires, and what i feel, are a mystery to me. i am human ? these are simple human things to understand. my feelings resemble violent scribbles, something nonsensical, without patterns, or logic. i hate how they consume me. my memories and feelings are never erased, only overwritten. nothing will ever be the same. i find it funny how i always say i want to be better, but i'm always stuck in the same place again and again.

25/04/15
my hyperfixation on the promised neverland ! ! pt. 2

the long awaited part two by nobody !! anyways, i was able to get volumes 15, 16, 17, and 19 from the library !! (yippee)

even though i already knew what was going to happen by reading the fandom wiki, it felt really nice reading a physical copy of the books, as i get to see many details i have missed. this is not gonna be a super long or detailed blog post haha, i just feel really happy :3

25/03/31
my hyperfixation on the promised neverland ! !

i finally finished the promised neverland manga ! ( well , i wish haha , still on volume 13 ) honestly, i wanted to write this entry after i have finished the series, but i really wanted to now ^_^ ''

i'll try to keep this as spoiler-free as possible. so, the promised neverland is an anime and manga series, revolving around around children living in the grace field orphanage. three children; emma, norman, and ray found out the secret of the place, and plan for everyone to escape

the promised neverland consists of 24 episodes distributed across two seasons in the anime, and 20 volumes of manga. i really enjoyed the series really . . . the first season was really nice in my opinion. a lot of the fandom didn't like the second season however, but honestly, i think it wasn't really that bad (for the manga). it's honestly just like taking the story in a different direction, and i would describe it as thought provoking, in a good way

my favourite characters of the series would probably be norman, and yugo. i feel like they are really well written, well developed, and made the story engaging. + ray is just like me fr . . .

my review (i might be just a little biased . . . ):

  • season 1: 5 / 5 stars ! !
  • season 2: 4 / 5 stars ! !
  • overall: 4.5 / 5 stars ! ! (peak series >:3)

    • left: norman , middle: ray , right: emma

    25/03/21
    futures

    oftentimes , i find myself lost , almost melting into a collage of future scenerios i imagine in my head. i named my thoughts my subreality - infinitely vast , yet small space inside of my head. one of my biggest flaws ( i think ) is that i rarely focus on the present moment , but im always seemingly looking for an escape to a place i do not even know.

    in this fast paced , " socially interactive " society - i really often feel out of place , living in a world with so much restrictions. sometimes , i just lie down , and dream of pursuing some sort of unrealistic job , or hobby . . that i would probably never have the opportunity to really involve myself in this lifetime. perhaps a philosopher , or a detective , or maybe even just a freelance artist. in reality , i just want to live in a tiny town , inhabited by few people , few interactions . . to be free of perception , and judgement. im not the best at explaining really , but i wonder if there is someone out there who feels similarly

    25/02/29
    fictionkin

    this was actually a few weeks ago, when i discovered that i identify as fictionkin. i dont think the word "fictionkin" is one used often in everyday vocabulary, so i suppose i can explain it a bit. so, a fictionkin is someone who identifies as / feels a strong connection to a fictional character, entity, place, etc. the person could also view the character as someone they were in a past life, alternate universe -- so it can be on a spiritual or mental level. this identity however is involuntary, and on a non-physical level. fictionkin falls under the umbrella term of "otherkin," which means you identify with / as something other than human.

    this was sort of a difficult realization for me, yet it also gave me relief, and helped me understand myself better. it made me happy to know that there was a group, a community of others out there like me, and that i was not alone. and for anyone who was curious, i kin with lain iwakura from "serial experiments lain"!

    i believe this was all i like to say, have a good day / night to anybody who reads this

    25/01/08
    the earth orbits even without us

    sorry for being inactive for so long. ive kind of been burnt out the past month or so, thats why i wasnt able to update my site. i feel sort of swallowed by the world, and my emotions. the earth is constantly moving and rotating, i struggle to keep up -- and live to any potential i had. im really just existing. i feel a lot, yet this emptiness at the same time. i dont know who would stumble upon this honestly, i apologize for venting.

    mm, i dont have much to say.

    24/12/04
    just like i guess

    a diary entry for the first time in like 3 months ! dont worry guys im still alive lol

    recently, balancing a lot of changes and a rather busy schedule was kind of difficult for me. the reason i couldnt write for a long time was because i felt burnt out and not really motivated, and yeah T w T

    soo, for interesting events in my life, i guess i've gotten into reading more ! i found some more manga that i liked. i started on fma, and hunterxhunter. as well, i tried to work on my health and taking care of myself more, so i suppose theres that.

    thank you for reading, i hope you have a nice day/night !

    24/09/28
    i was sick

    i am back ! some days ago, i was not feeling well, likely due to a sickness. it's around the time of flu season, so i guess thats probably why. i stayed home, and made some art while so.

    i think i feel better today, so im gonna try to be productive, and finish my schoolwork and update the website again. i might start to do the layout for the art page, so i can hopefully put some things up there soon.

    anyways, that's all for now. i hope you have a great day/night, to whoever reads this !

    24/09/06
    beginnings

    the first day of school was a few days ago ! i think it went okay. i didnt really talk much with people, the teachers were nice though. i got lost a few times, as expected, but i like my school. there was some homework, so i hadnt had time to write an entry qwq, this was kind of low effort.

    24/09/01
    packing for school

    school is starting soon for me, and today i decided to pack my backpack in preperation for the new school year. i organized my supplies in a different way than i did last year ... i think it will help with finding things.

    for this school year, i hope i will make some new friends (i really need to work on my social skills), and as well, i will try to study hard to get my grades back up again.

    i am going to a new one this year, so i hope i dont have a hard time finding the places i need to go to T _ T ..

    i notice some leaves are falling too. autumn will start soon too. it is one of my favorite seasons, so that's one thing to look forward to.

    and, i think this concludes all i wanted to write now. maybe i will write another entry when school starts.