blueberrymuffinss.neocities.org

welcome to blueberrymuffinss.neocities.org - my little weblog and garden ! i mainly write personal diaries about mental health, and i draw sometimes, so that's some things that you may see. i will always put a warning above entries/art that discuss triggering topics. i find it really hard to describe or define myself, my sense of identity feels like it is fractured into many pieces - i feel like i'm a different person a lot of the times - that's why my indexes are constantly changing, or my writing and art styles. feel free to take a look around and stay a bit, remember to take care of yourself  ^ ^

hello ! i wanted to write a short introduction about me in the homepage, so here we are. i'm mainly known as rem - but i also go by several other web aliases. i'm an eighth grader, who wants to share their ideas. ^ ^

i mainly indulge in creative arts,  and i like to study many fields of science (most prominently social sciences and biology).  i also like alternate reality games (args), rhythm games, psychological horror, and science fiction.  additionally, i enjoy researching about j-fashion and other 2000s fashion subcultures.

i heavily suspect that i am neurodivergent  —  with 3+ years of research.  i presume that i have asd, bpd, osdd, and more unlisted.  unfortunately, i have little to no hope of diagnosis (until i am a legal adult probably).  my conditions affect the way i percieve the world around me, patience and understanding will be appreciated heavily.

latest blog entry

the webmaster is feeling:

i feel sick. I also feel tired mentally, even though i’ve basically done like nothing for the past week. i could barely concentrate on my homework without headaches, and basic tasks like brushing my teeth feel exhausting to me, though they shouldn’t be. i feel like i've fallen down to the same place i thought i've broken free from, two years ago. my mental health is getting worse again. sorry if this entry doesn't really make sense, i tried my best to read over it.

i used to be described as "talented", "smart", or "gifted" by peers and adults. i've no longer felt like these adjectives applied to me, and the child i used to be feels like a stranger to me. when i was young, i used to have interconnected dreams that gave me a sense of understanding about myself. when i was young, i thought of them as past lives. they reflected my subconscious and purest form - when it came to my decisions and instincts. my "self" free from much external influence. in my dreams, my natural instinct to danger would always be "flight", but as i grew up, i've consciously rewired my brain to choose "fight" - to appear strong for others. i was seldom judgmental, rarely categorizing things as good or bad. i also had a habit to cling onto hope and forgive whenever i could, perhaps it was a survival instinct. my dreams started when i was around three, and i have stored them in my head ever since. when i received them, i felt strongly - that i would become an artist and an archivist. that was what my purpose would be. in the past, was told that my memory was one of my greatest strengths, and it was. but, i've lost the ability to dream, and i've lost my "self" I believed i had. my memory is fuzzy, and now it’s almost impossible to think without spacing out. i was lost to outside influence.

when i started school, i've always achieved a’s. i unfortunately fell victim to masking, and perfection-seeking. in a way, my family also shaped the perception that i had. my mom said she loved me, but her love was only similar to a sense of duty - that one must love their child. she loved me for my grades, my awards, but not the person i am. she barely knows me, honestly. i didn't have much friends that stayed with me, and i placed a lot of pressure into pleasing others. i use my friends as a reason to keep going. pathetic, i know. even though i try to do more things for myself, ultimately, i live for others, and that is one of my greatest flaws.